Well-Meaning People
Well-meaning people...they're everywhere. You know who I'm talking about; everybody knows at least one, often people know scores of people that fit this description. However, sometimes well-meaning people, in their well-meaningness complicate things.
How do I know this? It's because I'm frequently the recipient of their good intentions. I've been thinking about this today because a MOF (my online friend) is experiencing this on a grand scale for the first time, and my heart aches for her. While I can't empathize with her particular struggles, I can empathize with how people are treating her/reacting to her. You see, my friend has cancer, and all of a sudden she's found that she's the center of attention, even if she's at functions where she's obviously meaning to be in the background. People are acting like she's made of glass; like she's going to break.
The most frustrating part of this exercise in well-meaningness is you tend to lose the ability to speak for yourself. People ask others how you're doing--in your presence. People ask another person what you'd like--in your presence. People talk about you in third person--in your presence. And then they're shocked when you pipe up yourself, or heaven forbid, acting for yourself.
Why do I know this? Because I live with this every day. I use a wheelchair, and oftentimes it's like it makes me invisible. It's much less likely with people under forty. But with the over forty crowd, it's nearly guarenteed. I've had complete strangers offer assistance--which I'm very grateful for. When I need it, I accept it graciously. But, when I don't happen to need any help and I explain that, "No, it's ok...I've got everything"; I invariably get "Are you sure?" as if it really could be true that I'm alright. When I confirm that I am indeed alright, half the time it's followed by a "well, you say you don't want help but I'm helping you anyway." And then, these complete strangers totally take over my wheelchair, often wreaking a bit of havoc in the process. But, I smile and be grateful, even if it's through clenched teeth.
The other one I love is people talking about you in third person. I've had people ask others with me (as an adult) what I'd prefer to eat or drink, what color I'd like X object I might be shopping for/looking at, what my name is, why I'm in a wheelchair, what rides I'd prefer to ride at the amusement park. The list is endless. I love "butting into the conversation" (even though it shouldn't be considered butting in) and taking over. People look at me, completely mortified. Yes world, I can speak for myself (in case you haven't noticed I'm quite opinionated).
As for having to sit on the sidelines and have everyone think you should just sit there, I'm good friends with that too. In those situations I try not to roll my eyes into the back of my head and just calmly proceed to ignore everyone else and just go on my merry way doing what I'm doing. If I'm met with protests, I ignore them. If the protests are especially vocal, I just look people in the eye and say, "I'd love to (blank). Can I do X or Y?" If that doesn't work, I have no trouble being blunt, and I just flat out say, "Look. I'm fine. I'm not going to break or fall apart. I want to help, so you might as well get out of my way." That usually shocks people into silence and the leave me alone after that (however I'm always called "independent" after that. That's a rant for another day).
So, the moral of the story? MOF, I totally understand where you're coming from with this, and I wish I could tell you something to make it better or make it go away. My best advice: learn to be blunt. To the rest of the world, I say this: When offering assistance to someone you feel may need it, LISTEN TO THE PERSON YOU WANT TO HELP. TRUST THEIR JUDGMENT. Quit talking at them in third person. Heck, quit talking at them. Talk to them. And another thing...I know I'm independent. I prefer to be called "strong-willed". And I don't need to be reminded of it every time I act like a "regular" person.
How do I know this? It's because I'm frequently the recipient of their good intentions. I've been thinking about this today because a MOF (my online friend) is experiencing this on a grand scale for the first time, and my heart aches for her. While I can't empathize with her particular struggles, I can empathize with how people are treating her/reacting to her. You see, my friend has cancer, and all of a sudden she's found that she's the center of attention, even if she's at functions where she's obviously meaning to be in the background. People are acting like she's made of glass; like she's going to break.
The most frustrating part of this exercise in well-meaningness is you tend to lose the ability to speak for yourself. People ask others how you're doing--in your presence. People ask another person what you'd like--in your presence. People talk about you in third person--in your presence. And then they're shocked when you pipe up yourself, or heaven forbid, acting for yourself.
Why do I know this? Because I live with this every day. I use a wheelchair, and oftentimes it's like it makes me invisible. It's much less likely with people under forty. But with the over forty crowd, it's nearly guarenteed. I've had complete strangers offer assistance--which I'm very grateful for. When I need it, I accept it graciously. But, when I don't happen to need any help and I explain that, "No, it's ok...I've got everything"; I invariably get "Are you sure?" as if it really could be true that I'm alright. When I confirm that I am indeed alright, half the time it's followed by a "well, you say you don't want help but I'm helping you anyway." And then, these complete strangers totally take over my wheelchair, often wreaking a bit of havoc in the process. But, I smile and be grateful, even if it's through clenched teeth.
The other one I love is people talking about you in third person. I've had people ask others with me (as an adult) what I'd prefer to eat or drink, what color I'd like X object I might be shopping for/looking at, what my name is, why I'm in a wheelchair, what rides I'd prefer to ride at the amusement park. The list is endless. I love "butting into the conversation" (even though it shouldn't be considered butting in) and taking over. People look at me, completely mortified. Yes world, I can speak for myself (in case you haven't noticed I'm quite opinionated).
As for having to sit on the sidelines and have everyone think you should just sit there, I'm good friends with that too. In those situations I try not to roll my eyes into the back of my head and just calmly proceed to ignore everyone else and just go on my merry way doing what I'm doing. If I'm met with protests, I ignore them. If the protests are especially vocal, I just look people in the eye and say, "I'd love to (blank). Can I do X or Y?" If that doesn't work, I have no trouble being blunt, and I just flat out say, "Look. I'm fine. I'm not going to break or fall apart. I want to help, so you might as well get out of my way." That usually shocks people into silence and the leave me alone after that (however I'm always called "independent" after that. That's a rant for another day).
So, the moral of the story? MOF, I totally understand where you're coming from with this, and I wish I could tell you something to make it better or make it go away. My best advice: learn to be blunt. To the rest of the world, I say this: When offering assistance to someone you feel may need it, LISTEN TO THE PERSON YOU WANT TO HELP. TRUST THEIR JUDGMENT. Quit talking at them in third person. Heck, quit talking at them. Talk to them. And another thing...I know I'm independent. I prefer to be called "strong-willed". And I don't need to be reminded of it every time I act like a "regular" person.
posted by Elizabeth at
8:58 PM
2 Comments:
I totally know what you mean! I know my limits and if I reach them, then I accept help. Otherwise, stay the heck out of my way!!lol It is very frustrating but sometimes I think people don't know how to react with an abnormal person or situation and blunder without thinking. Sometimes you just have to do something even if it makes you struggle so that you can feel good about yourself or know that you're capable of the accomplishment. kwim? I think you're great and thanks for thinking of me. It's been a really hard week for me and to read that someone has been thinking of me cheers me up considerably. Thanks you sexy mama!!
By
Anonymous, at 7:31 AM
What an important lesson we all need to learn. Thanks for teaching me today. I sometimes fall into the trap of those "helpful" people, but will work to not do so.
By
Anonymous, at 12:06 PM
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